After more than a decade of turning a blind eye to my ma's idiosyncracies, compulsions, paranoia, irrational jealousies, impaired judgement and pathological lying, we finally went to a psychiatrist to ask for advice. We couldn't drag my ma to see the psychiatrist though, that'll be the day -- so i just wrote a specific list of all ma's symptoms, as well as her predilection for finding herself smack in the middle of a legal wrangle. More than a dozen criminal cases filed against my Ma, all of them related to fraud. That alone should have alerted any rational human being that something was definitely wrong. But we shrugged it off to menopause, or stubborness or sheer bad luck.
Guess we were all as deluded as Ma. We deluded ourselves into thinking that she was sane, when all evidence indicated otherwise.
We had our suspicions of course, but when we heard the doctor confirm our worst fears with respect to ma's mental health, 'twas only then that it became a definite reality. The human capacity for denial is astounding.
After talking to the doctor, all my resentment, my anger at my mom disappeared. I was knocked into sense, and I'm still reeling from the right dealt by the inescapable truth. Ma's not well in the head, and we failed - no, we deliberately closed our eyes to the truth!
My siblings were equally shocked I know. Even now we're floundering around like fish out of water at the immensity of the implication. My ma has a mental condition.
Inside I'm a mess. I'm too shook up to be depressed though. I'm just lost. We know the best thing to do for Ma is to get her some treatment and therapy, but tis not easy trying to convince a person with a mental condition that she has a mental condition. Ma is even wary of doctors, more so the shrinks.
I'm still hoping though, that I can get through her. That I can convince her without dragging her to court and airing out all her dirty laundry for all and sundry just to convince the judge that she needs to undergo therapy.
God help us, please. I want her to get better.
Finally, I found an anime worth gushing this season. It's the new anime called...*drumroll please*... KAMISAMA KAZOKU! :) Ah, err I think its loosely translated as god family or rather a family of gods or something like that :)
The animation is great! Its so vivid, its so colorful -- I know, I know so is all other animes out there -- but there's just something different about this anime. The main characters, Samatarou and Tenko, have got to be the cuuuuuteeeest anime couple ever! Love the voice actors too. I'll google the voice actors later. I mean the voices are just perfect for the character! :) The supporting cast, which consists of Samatarou's ever doting parents, an older extrovert goddess sister and younger introvert goddess sister have well defined characters and are immediately endearing..
S'okay the plot is that Samatorou is the son of god. Err not GOD, just god, so I hope no one takes offense out there. He was sent here on earth to learn the ways of humankind since he's supposed to replace his father when he grows up. His family are along for the ride, since despite their quirkiness, theirs is a really closely knit and loving family. One of the perks of being the son of god is that he gets to have his very own guardian angel -- Tenko. 
Tenko is a fiery red haired angel who's just a wee bit overprotective and domineering towards Samatarou, and he's definitely chafing under her ever vigilant supervision. She sticks with him like glue and takes her job of keeping Samatarou on the straight and narrow very seriously. So neways the two are always fighting about one thing or another, but there's definite affection beneath all their constant bickering.
This anime already has the ingredients for an engaging plot but they stirred the pot some more by creating a love triangle. At the end of the very first ep, Samatarou feels the stirrings of first love for... transfer student Kumiko Komori!
Ooh, can I'm eagerly awaiting the next ep! Am gonna even download the raw first since I can't wait for the subs! :)
I've decided to give myself a break. So on this unbelievably sticky hot as hades saturday, I've decided to stay home -- with the a/c on full power of course.
Thoughts of global warming, the depletion of oil, and the rising cost of energy flit across my mind. But its so dang hot, all rational thought evaporates like drops of water under the hot hot sun.
I need a vacation. Preferrably somewhere with sand, surf and shade! I wanna vacation waaaaaaaah T_T
Its all about work, work, work. Me no wanna work, me wanna play <_<
Switch subject.
I recently upgraded my laptop OS to windows XP. Wouldn't you know it, the dang thing works better than it did on ME! But then again, anything would work better on ME.
My P3 1 gighz is happily puttering along under the XP OS, without the exasperating and unexplicable errors of the ME. Now if I can only find some RAM for my Dell, I hope I can make this baby run faster -- a lot faster. For a 4 year old laptop, its still working pretty decently. Can't play games on it though, but who cares? Laptops are mostly glorified word processors newayz. Hopefully, if I can find a wi fi card for the lappy toppy I can make this truly portable.
I haven't been sleeping well since that night I saw a body lying dead, a meter beyond the gates of our house. From what I could gather the young man, in his twenties, was one of the latest victim of the vigilante assassinations here in Cebu City. He was victim number 122. His name, according to the news, was Romeo Rico.
I wasn't home when the incident happened. My sister and the servants heard successive gunshots at around 7 pm, 29 March 2006, but they were too terrified to go out of the house to investigate. It was only later that they heard a man shout that there was a dead man outside and people came rushing out of their houses to investigate, that my household came out to find out what happened.
WHen I was informed that someone had died right outside our house, I together with my brother and cousin immediately rushed home. There were so many people outside our house that night. Police men, neighbors, the media. The scene was like one of those crime/murder investigations we often see in t.v. But the reality of it was too real, it became surreal. My cousin went in for a closer look to find out if it was anybody we knew. Would it be disrespectful to the dead if I were to say we were happy it wasn't anybody we knew?
I went into the house and up to our terrace to get a better view of the crime scene. From up there I could clearly see a body sprawled under the glaring amber light of the lamp post. Thankfully, my mom's own plants occluded the view of the corpse's face and upper torso. But what little I saw was shocking enough it has etched itself into my memory: A man wearing slippers and maong shorts, lying in a pool of his own blood, right outside our home
Everything seemed unreal. From above, I observed the crowd increasing in number as news of the dead body spread. I observed as the media took pictures and interviewed the people around the scene. I observed as the SOCO conducted their investigation, and collected evidence from my unoccluded and elevated vantage point. I observed them finally cover the body with a white sheet then wheel the corpse away into the waiting ambulance.
They didn't clean up the crime scene though. Come daybreak, blood, brain matter and bits of flesh were still lying there and began to smell badly as decomposition set in. My cousins got a sackful of charcoal to burn away all the traces of his bloody remains. Then since no one seemed wont to do so, we lit a candle for him to mark his passing. Memories of that night continue to burn though.
I'm a lawyer. I'm supposed to defend the helpless, protect the innocent, promote justice, uphold the law. But all my legal knowledge amounts to nothing in the face of what happened. There are no clear leads to point out to the killers. Our neighbor who saw the incident didn't get a good look at the perpetrators. The moment he saw guns, he ran for his dear life. The news tagged Rico as victim number 122 of the vigilante executions. In all probability, his death will go the way of the rest of the still unsolved 121 vigilante executions.
All of us keep whispering about the injustice of the vigilante executions, but no one is doing anything. We mutter in hushed tones about the special police task force that has allegedly been handpicked by our own City Mayor to deal with and clean up the undersirable criminal elements in our society. But we Cebuanos are too afraid, too cowed by those in power to do anything about it. There are even those who say that these vigilante executions is a good thing since it will "clean up" our city.
I haven't slept well since the night it happened. What disturbs my unconscious? Fear? my conscience? the inability to take in the stark ugliness of reality?
I have trouble accepting it. I know it happened, but I just cannot accept it. God, what have we done? What are we doing with out lives? God, are we little more than animals? Will killing people really solve the sickness of our society? 122 dead. How many more have to die before we, the people take action. Before we say ENOUGH! PUT A STOP TO THIS FOR GOD'S SAKE! STOP!!!
The guy who died had a family, a mother. She not only has to contend with the fact of her son's death, but also with the fact that he was killed deliberately, defenselessly, then abandoned like so much refuse. Whether or not he was a criminal is not an excuse for killing him defenselessly. We have laws, we have a justice system for that. Is our justice system so inept, so corrupt, so violent that our police force are taking the law into their own hands and have proclaimed themselves sole judge, prosecution and executioner? Wherein lies the difference now between the criminals and the police force when both of them are guilty of violating the law? By allowing these vigilante slayings to go on, its as if those of us who do nothing have pulled the triggers ourselves.
We are equally guilty, all of us. We deserve the world we live in. Is this the legacy we will leave to our children? A legacy of violence, of ugliness, where justice is but a noun, and a human life has no value at all
I had a weird dream sometime last week.
I dreamed I was outside myself looking inside myself, and inside me was an infinite void.
To be more accurate, I was the infinite void which was more empty than nothing.
I guess that's what you get when you meditate about the nature of emptiness before you sleep :p
What is emptiness? Buddhists posit that we must meditate on the nature of emptiness for we are emptiness. But I never could get my mind around that part, so maybe my subconscious mind came up with its answer.
It wasn't a scary dream mind you. It was just the kind of dream that lingered with you days after, weeks after, always at the back of your mind. I don't even find myself asking what the dream meant, it just was.
But its the kind of dream that makes you ask the perennial question: "What am I?"
Is there even an I?
Am I nothing but a byproduct of memories and conditioned responses? Am I but a program necessary only for interfacing with other human programs? Am I illusion?
I lost my self in infinite dreams but crashed back to earth with a vengeance when I blinked.
This blog has undergone several incarnations. First, it was a blog about my philosophical meanderings. Then it became a meditation site. Now its simply my li'l venting corner in cyberspace. Next time, who knows -- maybe an anime review site? *shrug*
Ey but at least I kept the title: "Decantations". I like the way the word sounds. Maybe it sounds a bit pretentious considering its just one of the myriad venting blogsites out there, but I'll stick with it for now.
So what's my vent for the day?
I've been getting lazy recently. In fact, I woke up at 10 a.m. today! Well yeah, the last few weeks was kinda hectic, with me scurrying like a mad hatter vacillating between managing our new business, doing the occasional legal work, plus doing some real estate brokering on the side. But, my energy seems just inexplicably down.
Am I depressed?
Well, let's take my life into stock: Finances -- kinda stable; Career -- I have several!; Health: Finally getting into the gym thing; Love life -- Zero.
I'll be turning 32 this year and I still have to commit myself into a relationship! Who knew it would be this hard to find a decent guy, go out on dates and get married? I'm even ready to have K I D S!
The problem is me. I prefer playing video games, researching cases, chatting in the internet, and sweating it out at the gym to going out at night. I guess I'm so firmly ensconced in my comfort zone of single bliss that I can't muster up the enthusiasm to chat up a guy for small talk. Even in the net I chat about subjects like politics, theology, philosophy and tech stuff. Tsk, tsk, tsk. At this rate I'll end up an old maid for sure! T_T
So I've decided to shape up my bod and personal life so I can reel in a hubby before my biological clock rings the alarm! No more raeding up on theosophy and quantum physics. From now on its Women and Vogue! Goodbye vid games, ragnarok and PSP! *sob* Time for some hot sizzling dating games? o.0;
Q:What is meditation?
A:Meditation is a practice or an exercise, the purpose of which is to quiet the mind.
Q:Why meditate?
A:The most immediate effect of meditation is profound relaxation. Studies have also proven that the meditative practice brings brainwave patters into the alpha state which results to lower blood pressure as well as greatly relieves pain and stress.
However, the ultimate purpose of meditation is to make the mind peaceful, to free it from the daily inundations of negative thinking, worrying and other mental discomfort. Training the mind to meditate will relieve the great mental stresses we unconsciously burden our minds with and helps us to attain true peace and happiness.
Q:How do we meditate?
A:I will be discussing the simplest form of meditation which is breathing meditation. Before attempting meditation it will be useful to discuss preliminary matters such as when to meditate and how long to meditate, where to meditate and posture.
When and how long?
In order to fully enjoy the effects of meditation, time should be set aside each day for meditation. Some prefer to meditate in the early morning, right after waking, while others prefer to meditate before bedtime. Find a time that's comfortable for you. For a beginner, a meditative session of 15 to 20 minutes is recommended.
Where should we meditate?
Find a quiet corner in which to meditate. Somewhere far away from distractions.
What is the best posture for meditation?
For beginners, the burmese position is recommended as it is the easiest to master. Sit on the floor, here the legs are not crossed but instead are simply folded with one foot on top of the other. Make sure that your back is straight, but your shoulders relaxed.
Simple breathing meditation
The easiest method is counting breaths. Count from 1 to 10. Inhalation -- 1, exhalation 2, inhalation 3 and so on until you reach 10, after that begin with 1 again and continue the process. Or you can simply choose to count only the inhalation or exhalation.
Focus only on your breathing. Focus on the tip of your nose and feel the air rushing in and out with each breath. Focus also on that pause in between breaths.
Q:How do we deal with distractions during meditation?
A:Concentrating on just the breathing will be difficult at first. The mind often wanders and sometimes make you lose count. If this happens, just simply focus on your breathing again. Others find that reciting mantras like "OHM" helps them focus their thoughts. Do not forget that the purpose of meditation is to quiet the "monkey mind", and this will take time and effort to master.
In the next blog entry, I will be discussing the different thoughts, feelings and other distractions that might arise during meditation, and different ways to counter them.
